Too personal?  Oh well. So listen. About my booty.  I’ve always had a hard time dealing with my crap. It just doesn’t come out right.  No matter what,  it’s still difficult to poop.

Well folks finally at the ripe old age of 43 I think I’ve found the secret to a good SHIT. It’s what you’ve always heard! 

Fiber fiber fiber and plenty of water. 

Now some of the people in my family,  who I actually hate by the way,  they crap everyday!  I’ve been very jealous and angry because I’m lucky if I go once a week!  No matter what,  my shit gets clogged up and I’m just stuck there all miserable,  bloated and ugly!  

Well I’ve introduced more fiber into my life and guess what?  The plumbing WORKS! ! YAY! !! 

I can’t keep relying on anal sex to get Me through the constipation stages of life. I’ve got to try other methods. Lol I’m joking about this.  

I must rely on this.  Hehe hehe

Anyway,  so I’m getting older and realizing that my body ain’t the same. Actually my body is the same! !! I’ve always been clogged because my psycho aunt used to force me to drink castor oil. Large quantities. It was horrible. I hate her.  And you know it’s bad when you have to do a Google search to find out how often you should be pooping. Well that’s what I did. 

So I’m all about raisin bran. Mmm yummy for my tummy and plenty of aqua.  Yes my diet had been changed before this discovery. I don’t drink cows milk and rarely ever eat cheese or eggs. So that helps. But since introducing more beans to my diet,  they give you gas. And I’ve got issues. Keeping myself reminded that I’m officially an old ass woman. But the old people were right! !! They were.

We saw them with their prunes and we thought,  EWWW!! Now I’m like, what a great source of fiber. One thing I can’t do.  Metamucil. There’s no fucking way I’m doing that.  I’m way too young for that. I’m not gonna do the prunes either. I did that in my twenties. No time for going backwards. 

I know you wanted to read this.  I know you needed this in your life. And I’ll talk about any thing other than Las Vegas right now.  

So how this works? 

Avoid too much dairy products.  Try to include a bowl of fiber cereal everyday. Drink plenty of liquids,  mainly water. The main cause of constipation is a lack of fluids. If you’re eating Tons of fiber but still aren’t going to the crapper, then you need more water. Not more soda,  more water. Trust me it works. 

I’m not a doctor,  so if your doctor has told you that you can’t have water or fiber,  don’t eat this stuff and blame me.