Hi guys, it’s me. Did you miss me? Well I took a month off because it was absolutely necessary. And for some strange reason I thought that while I was gone for 30 days that the world was somehow going to change. But nope, it’s still as fucked up as ever. People are still idiots and they are still getting on my nerves!
So today I’m going to talk to you about narcissism and how it affected me. Now if you’ve been following my blog you would realize that I have touched on this subject before. I’m going to come at a different angle today. Because this subject is very important for me and I love to keep my readers informed on my personal development and all of the shit that’s going on in my life, it is imperative that I talk to you about everything. OK not everything but…
I don’t know how many of you are married or in relationships, so this is a generalized blog.
Maybe you’ll get something out of it.
Relationships are supposed to be about personal growth and personal development that you share with a special someone. It’s not supposed to be stagnant, but instead a prosperous vine that grows wild and spills onto different surfaces and provides sustainable life on everything it touches.
In other words? The shits supposed to grow.
If you’re in a relationship with someone and it’s not progressing, you have a problem.
The man or woman who hates to win is the person that no matter how hard you try to make the relationship work, it’s as if they are sabotaging every ounce of your efforts. It does not matter how happy you are and what you just accomplished in your life, they are going to find some type of way to make it rain on your parade. …I remember Lucille Ball say that Design Arnaz hated to win. He sabatoged their relationship until he lost the best thing that has happened to him. As Lucy so eloquently put it, THATS HIS PROBLEM. She accepts no responsibility for his refusal to succeed and live happily. …
And it is a learned behavior to accept this type of person in your life. I can say it a hundred percent because I know that many things from my past lead me to enter into this type of Union. And it’s not something that you do consciously it’s just something that’s habitual. Maybe something that you saw in your childhood, maybe a relationship that your mother or father was involved in. But their personal experiences somehow spilled onto you and you found yourself attracted to the same types of people.
I remember a party at my house as a child. My stepdad refused to let his wife be happy that day. He came in pissed off drunk and cursing everybody out. He ruined her entire mood and the festivities. A huge physical fight broke out, basically she kicked his ass … He left the house to go back out drinking with his friends, which is exactly what he wanted. He intentionally started this fight.
A glimpse of my life.
Loving yourself is one the most challenging ordeals that we attempt to muster. Some of us never learn how. Maybe it was because affection wasn’t readily available in your household. Maybe your parents weren’t encouraging. And when you leave that environment, most of the times you have no sense of SELF.
But guess whose fault it is when you don’t love yourself? Yours. NOBODY but you. We spent so much time looking for love on the outside, but it’ll never come from there. Love has to begin with you. There’s a song that says , ” Let me love you until you learn to love yourself”. That’s complete bullshit. You cannot make anyone love themselves. There is no amount of positive feedback that you could give that would change their minds about what they feel they deserve.
If a person feels that they deserve garbage, then they will continue to feast from dumpsters. Your expensive cuisine holds no weight. They are systematically programmed to only eat what is rejected and undesirable.
Why? Because they feel that they deserve nothing more.
I was there. For many years I spent my time amongst the undesirable. Howso? Easily. When your childhood is as screwed up as mine was, and being raised amongst Narcissist, you tend to chase down the ones who hurt you because as a child they are your only source. You defend their atrocious behavior, you cater to their anger. You grow accustomed to walking on eggshells. You ultimately survive by being their narcissist supply.
And as you grow in years, that is what you search for. That is your goal. After 12 years marriage my relationship hit a huge snag. A gigantic blow. We separated. I began dating again, and of course I have written some funny stories about my escapades on this blog. But anyway, in my pursuit of a new start, I met THE ONE. Oh he was fantastic. Everything that I had ever been looking for. He was absolutely wonderful and I fell head over heels in stupidity. NOBODY could have told me anything different about this guy. He was smooth and Charming and had this awesome commanding presence. He was perfect. And then the mask came off. I realized that I was heavily involved in an abusive relationship with a narcissistic douchebag. Me, Ericka. Oh hell no! How did this happen?
Little by little he chipped away at me. But he was always eager to recover. He NEVER apologized for anything. But to keep me hooked, he’d turn on the charm. For 4 years I went through this shit. As time progresses we APPEARED to be getting closer. But that wasn’t the case. What was happening is, his GROOMING techniques were sticking and I was becoming less difficult. I accepted that he’s just being himself and that I’m the problem. I’m one of the strongest women you could meet. But I was no match for this man. No one is a match for a narcissist.
What made him thrive? And what made him stay with me so long? It wasn’t love. He needed to see himself through my eyes. He doesn’t love anyone. Not even himself. Don’t feel sorry for him. He’s no VICTIM. He’s a taker. He’s a loser. I grew up in an abusive foster family, so I was accustomed to this. I was used to being used. I was used to being discarded.
I was used to having my voice silenced.
So when he uttered the words, ” you don’t matter, it’s your fault, you’re the problem”. It all resonated and it was all too familiar. I accepted those attacks reluctantly. But deeper Inside, I knew it wasn’t true. I knew he was the problem and I knew that it was his fault. But I felt that I LOVE HIM!!!!! So I must stay and fix this. Fix him. Fix us.
There is a difference between love and pity. I pitied him. I felt sorry for him. But it felt like love.
Pity… the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the misfortune and suffering of others.
He had come from a very poor country. I thought his behavior was because he wasn’t accustomed to good things. And I thought that when he met the vibrant, witty girl that I am, he’d appreciate his good fortune. What I hadn’t considered is he wasn’t acting like his childhood affected him. But what he was looking for was another source. He was looking to see how I’d benefit his life. Every person in his life was being used. He had no remorse for lying or manipulating or being a playboy. That’s just what he was. So how could I have pitied that? That wasn’t the initial person I met. I met a nice guy. I met the facade. I met the person he wanted me to see and he became a chameleon thereafter.
If the verbal, emotional and psychological abuse were more frequent, then you’d miss the pattern. You would miss all of the effort that goes in to hurting you in order to elevate himself. I didn’t think about all the times when he’d deliberately try to make me jealous. The times when after I’d been happy because of something not caused by him, he’d throw a tantrum. The time I mentioned that his little nephew who was around 6 was cute, and he questioned whether the little boy was cuter than him. The time when he was speaking in his native language but I didn’t hear what he said and I asked him to repeat himself, well he asked the other two people at the table if they’d heard him, after they replied yes, he stated that I was the problem. Lol I just laughed it off. What about the time he was at the gym and I asked him what he was doing and he said getting a blowjob in the parking lot. It was funny at the time because he said he’s just joking. And when he’d say something derogatory and when I’d correct him, he’d say he’s just joking. Or that time I showed him a picture of my niece and I and he stated that he wanted a bite…Of HER. OF COURSE he was just joking. Right? They are always joking. But in reality, they aren’t. They mean exactly what they say.
The straw that broke the camel’s back? After a great evening or so I thought that fucker decided to become a bigger ass after what I thought was a successful evening together, he ruined it by driving on the interstate like a idiot and even after I repeatedly asked him to slow down, because we had been drinking, he refused. He loved having that control and power. He loved the power play games and having someone like me under his spell must’ve done wonders for his ego.
That was over a year ago. After I threatened to cut his nuts off and I informed him that I’m nobody’s bitch, I downgraded him. And left for good. We all play the fool. I’m no exception to the rule. I realized that I had been with this guy for years. He was just like all the rest… Except ONE. And today I’m remarried to Erick. 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😗😗😗😗😗😗😚😚😚😚😚😚😚😚😚😚
That’s right folks I’m back to being part of the ball and chain. Erick and Ericka it is again and hopefully I’ve learned my lessons and will never allow mistreatment in my life again.
I’m so grateful for second chances. But I had to believe that I deserved a good man in my life. I was so tired of trying to help someone who would never appreciate kindness. I was tired of trying to be responsible for someone’s happiness and their self-esteem. It’s draining to be with someone who has no confidence. It’s ok to give a pep talk and it’s OK to be positive. But if they have nothing in themselves that they find good and they are constantly putting themselves down, that’s like a cancer growing and negativity spreads like wild fires. I had to get that away from me.
It took a separation for Erick and I to realize what we had and after four years apart, we are perfect for each other. I’m finally with someone who wants to win.
Thank you for reading my shit. Yall know I left a lot of stuff out. Lol I can’t tell EVERYTHING! I Gave you the Hallmark version.
We are trying to buy our first home together with our old asses!!! We really suck at this adult thing. At least I do. Lol