OK so it’s a new year and a new you. Well I’m going to teach you to be the manipulating master of words that I am. That’s right, it’s ALL in the words you choose. 😈😈😈

 

OK so there was this woman who cooked collard greens one time for a potluck at work. She bragged about cooking them and finally the day came and THERE THEY WERE. Sour as hell and spoiled. Yep she left them out too long and they turned.

So I fixed a plate. And when I got to the greens I fixed a pinch on my plate.

As this sweet little old lady watched me, I said, ” girl, what did you do to these greens?!?” She smiled and asked, ” omg Ericka you like em?”, I said” girl, I ain’t never tasted greens like this, what did you season them with?” She blushed. Then she proceeded to tell me the ingredients and I smiled and politely said, ” THATS THE SECRET HUH? That’s what I’m missing from mine.” I continued to tell her how I NEVER EVER thought about putting that ingredient in my greens. She felt so good. Now yes, everybody else was talking terribly about them, but I found a way around it. And when she looked at my plate, she ASSUMED I had eaten them all because I said, ” girl look at my plate, look at the little bit I have left,  I’m stuffed!”  There sat that same little spoon of greens that I’d fixed earlier. Untouched. Whose the master? SHONUFF!

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OK so below for all of you amateur guests, here’s some tips on what to say…Or NOT to say.

1. IT ISN’T LIKE MY MOM’S, BUT IT’S GOOD.

Your mom may be the world’s best cook (and has the embroidered apron to prove it), but she must have forgotten to teach you this: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

2. IS THIS ORGANIC?

No, but you’re welcome to foot the grocery bill next time.

3. THAT LOOKS INTERESTING!

I’ve called things interesting before: my mom’s beloved paisley skirt suit from the ’80s, my friend’s choice in music, my coworker’s new backpack. It’s a euphemism for “disgusting,” and there is no place for your judgy ‘tude at this table.

4. MY EX MADE LASAGNA JUST LIKE THIS. I LOVED IT.

There is a strong 0-percent change I offer you dessert after dinner (wink, wink) if you bring up your ex during the meal. Plus, there is absolutely no way that He/She Who Shall Not Be Named had the noodle-layering prowess that I do.

5. IT’S NOT THE BEST STEAK YOU’VE EVER MADE.

I think you’re implying that I’ve grilled a good steak in the past, but I’m not Meryl at the Golden Globes: You don’t need to remind me of my greatest hits and unfortunate misses.

6. THIS TASTES GREAT, BUT IT WOULD BE EVEN BETTER WITH MORE CHEESE.

I love a sexy cheese pull as much as the next girl, but the dish is called mac and cheese – not cheese and cheese. But hey, some folks carry hotsauce in their bags. I won’t stop you from carrying around a block of Parmesan.

7. I NEVER MAKE MY OWN SPAGHETTI SAUCE. IT’S SO HARD TO GET RIGHT.

Maybe for you, but my Italian-born great-grandmother’s recipe never fails – which is why you should swallow those words, followed by a spoonful of the sauce.

8. DID YOU FOLLOW A RECIPE?

No, can you taste my improvisation? One of the best parts of cooking is being able to add a little bit of this and take out a little bit of that to create a dish all your own. And you, sir, will not suppress my creativity.